CELLULAR    -          A  Narada Film Review

   JASON STATHAM   
      as
   Greer 
       
    WILLIAM H. MACY      
      as
    Mooney  
     
   KIM BASINGER   
        as
    Jessica Martin
Cellular - 2004   - David R. Ellis-Director & Dean Devlin -Producer
   The movie CELLULAR opens with a routine school day for an ordinary family.   Mom (Kim Basinger) takes her son to school, comes home and works in the kitchen until some ordinary kidnappers break through a glass panel and routinely kidnap her.   This all takes place in about a minute and a half, with very little fanfare, and even less emotion.   Oh, by the way, her latina maid happens to get shot dead reaching for an alarm button - but it's not very important, because the body is never found.   A fairly normal Southern California day.   By way of contrast, we then watch twenty minutes of hormonal teenagers in lust, trying to put the make on each other on Santa Monica beach - oh, and we also get to watch gratuitous and repetitive 'walk-ons' by large breasted extras in bikinis - that ought'a sell a lot of tickets.
        A preposterous plot unfolds as Mom salvages a smashed phone and taps copper wires together until she gets a random Santa Monica beach teen on his hand phone.   She finally convinces him she is kidnapped, but the teen, (Chris Evans) wise-assly asks her why, was she was rich?   She replies, 'No', even though she lives in a $1.2 million multistory estate, has a maid and drives a brand-new suburban BUV (Big Ugly Vehicle) - hey, all being relative, there were several Thai viewers that got a jolt out of that one - and are now wondering what "rich" means in America.   These two phonesters keep a phrenetic dialog going, trying to recharge batteries, trying not to go into areas of low cell reception, so that teen-boy can come to the rescue.   Our chants to put her on hold, look at Caller ID, call 911 who could trace it and send a SWAT team, went unheard - and would have made the movie one blessed hour shorter,   Oh, well...
        Unlike you and me, who stay the same age in the mirror each morning, Kim Basinger eventually had to get old - and that's a sin.   The sinner, however is Gary Capo, solely to blame for Cinematography in CELLULAR.   He was able to show every one of Basinger's wrinkles in 3-D.   Look, if Hollywood can do anything, and it can, then why couldn't they have a simulated Kim Basinger ala Simone for the close-up work?   Gary, you will not be forgiven...
      LEAST Enduring Line or Phrase:  "I got his phone, I got his car.." - "O.K."

Copyright 2004,    Bangkok Eyes / bangkokeyes.com
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